Kellogg security guard, Frank Murphy, is now under intense fire for allegedly engaging in the racial profiling of Kellogg passerbys. Over the past week, he has apparently conducted a string of harsh interrogations on innocent white Northwestern students who happened to accidentally be doing stereotypically “black” things. Well after a firestorm of allegations, Murphy is now attempting to clear his name.
“I don’t judge people based on the color of their skin,” says Murphy. “I judge people based on commonplace stereotypes… and I just so happen to be much more suspicious of people engaging in black stereotypes. It has nothing to do with skin color though!”
Jake Caskey, one of those aforementioned white Northwestern students interrogated by Murphy, said he was given a hard time in Kellogg last week when he decided to wear Sean John sweatpants and an oversized white t-shirt to class.
“I just like the way I look in those Sean John sweatpants; they’re really comfortable,” says Caskey. “And the Old Navy ones that my mom bought me look kinda dorky and are a little tight in the crotch. I had no idea wearing Sean John would cause such security issues. And I bought a 5-pack of those oversized t-shirts at T.J Maxx cause they were on sale for $1.50. No reason to call the Northwestern police in my opinion.”
Another white NU student, Craig Smith, caused an emergency lockdown in Kellogg when he tried walking through the building wearing really baggy pants, eating a watermelon and drinking grape soda.
“In retrospect, I probably shouldn’t have been eating a watermelon and drinking grape soda at the same time. They really don’t taste good together. And I don’t even like wearing really baggy pants, but I’ve just been losing so much weight with all the watermelon I’ve been eating.”
A third white NU student, Kyle Long, was brought in to campus police after trying to walk through Kellogg eating fried chicken and wearing a dark hooded sweatshirt…with the hood up.
“I was eating friend chicken because that’s what Allison Dining Hall happened to be serving that night,” said a disgruntled Long. “And I had my hood up because it was a crisp spring evening outside, and I thought it was a little nippy out. I definitely didn’t expect to get ambushed by security over that.”
Murphy, however, defends all of his actions.
“ I don’t think people are really understanding the distinction between racial prejudice and simple stereotyping,” says Murphy. “Like, I’m not going to stop an Arab guy walking through Kellogg, but I am going to stop a guy wearing a turban. But the guy wearing the turban doesn’t have to be Arab. That’s why it’s not racist.”
Riiiiigggghhhht.
– The Shmaily, C.J. Pumpernickel