In a startling turn of events Saturday, the Northwestern Game Room, located in the Underground of Norris, mysteriously vanished through a rip in time and space. No one on campus has of yet noticed its absence, but the Shmaily sent its top investigative journalists to venture to the Norris Underground and bring you the story. Instead they got distracted by $1.99 dessert crepes at the ground floor food court, and proceeded to watch back to back episodes of “Who Wants to be a Millionaire” for the next hour. They then made up what quotes they needed to fit the headline their editor gave them.

Initial student reaction has been vehemently nonexistent. From the Bowels of Tech to the Peaks of Kresge, Northwestern students everywhere are passionately unaware of this mysterious disappearance. The Party Animals of Bobb and the Wannabe Party Animals of Allison are uniting in their ignorance of the vanished Game Room.

One Senior who we interviewed at Norbucks was astounded by the Gameroom’s departure once we told him of its existence. “You mean the ‘U’ in the elevators goes somewhere? I just assumed it was maintenance or something.”

Janice Webber, a sophomore attendant at Norris Outdoors, saw the whole thing go down. “It was a particularly busy day here; I literally had my hands full. I was trying to eat a buffalo chicken salad and watch America’s Next Top Model online simultaneously. Plus, the link I normally use wasn’t working, so things were pretty hectic.”

Lisa Green, a junior, was working in Artica when the event took place. “I was busy rearranging my desk at the time; you see someone keeps switching my stapler and my scotch tape. I really like the stapler on the left, but I guess one of the other attendants likes it on the right! Anyway, there was a big flash of light and a thunder noise, and the Game Room was just gone!”

If you were to visit the Game Room now, which you wouldn’t, you’d find nothing but an empty black void. We were unable to find a quantum physicist for comment, because where do you even find a quantum physicist, but we did speak to Northwestern student Jake Calvin, an avid Lost viewer.

“Oh yeah, I see stuff like this all the time. I mean, the Fringe season finale was this exact situation! There’s probably just an alternate dimension, and something in the Game Room caused a portal to open up. If I had to guess, it was probably the 8 Xbox’s, 2 Wii’s, and 6 Pool Tables, all for the amazing price of only $1 for up to 3 hours for students that did it.” A fantastic deal indeed, and a great place to hang out and shoot some pool with friends on a boring night or lazy afternoon. “My instincts tell me it’s a Doctor Who scenario, where the Game Room is trapped in a whirlwind ride through time and space. I expect it’ll turn up in about 100 years, good as new.”

Apparently the Game Room attendant on duty at the time, senior Brent Burton, can still be heard screaming for help from beyond the portal. Unfortunately, his pleas fall on deaf ears, since his voice doesn’t carry up the stairwell to the populated ground floor. Attendants at Norris Outdoors and Artica considered venturing after him and/or telling authorities, but decided it was better to ignore the screaming.

“I have my earbuds in all shift anyway,” said Webber, “so the screams don’t bother me. I’m far too swamped with constantly refreshing Facebook to handle this on my shift anyway. I assume that sooner or later someone will notice, and then they can deal with it.”

– The Shmaily, Mr. L.F. Ant