Kellogg security guard, Frank Murphy, is now under intense fire for allegedly engaging in the racial profiling of Kellogg passerbys. Over the past week, he has apparently conducted a string of harsh interrogations on innocent white Northwestern students who happened to accidentally be doing stereotypically “black” things. Well after a firestorm of allegations, Murphy is now attempting to clear his name.

“I don’t judge people based on the color of their skin,” says Murphy. “I judge people based on commonplace stereotypes… and I just so happen to be much more suspicious of people engaging in black stereotypes. It has nothing to do with skin color though!”

Jake Caskey, one of those aforementioned white Northwestern students interrogated by Murphy, said he was given a hard time in Kellogg last week when he decided to wear Sean John sweatpants and an oversized white t-shirt to class.

“I just like the way I look in those Sean John sweatpants; they’re really comfortable,” says Caskey. “And the Old Navy ones that my mom bought me look kinda dorky and are a little tight in the crotch. I had no idea wearing Sean John would cause such security issues. And I bought a 5-pack of those oversized t-shirts at T.J Maxx cause they were on sale for $1.50. No reason to call the Northwestern police in my opinion.”

Another white NU student, Craig Smith, caused an emergency lockdown in Kellogg when he tried walking through the building wearing really baggy pants, eating a watermelon and drinking grape soda.

“In retrospect, I probably shouldn’t have been eating a watermelon and drinking grape soda at the same time. They really don’t taste good together. And I don’t even like wearing really baggy pants, but I’ve just been losing so much weight with all the watermelon I’ve been eating.”

A third white NU student, Kyle Long, was brought in to campus police after trying to walk through Kellogg eating fried chicken and wearing a dark hooded sweatshirt…with the hood up.

“I was eating friend chicken because that’s what Allison Dining Hall happened to be serving that night,” said a disgruntled Long. “And I had my hood up because it was a crisp spring evening outside, and I thought it was a little nippy out. I definitely didn’t expect to get ambushed by security over that.”

Murphy, however, defends all of his actions.

“ I don’t think people are really understanding the distinction between racial prejudice and simple stereotyping,” says Murphy. “Like, I’m not going to stop an Arab guy walking through Kellogg, but I am going to stop a guy wearing a turban. But the guy wearing the turban doesn’t have to be Arab. That’s why it’s not racist.”

Riiiiigggghhhht.

– The Shmaily, C.J. Pumpernickel

Dressed in tight black jeans, an ironic t-shirt, and, despite being 75 degrees out, a scarf, Northwestern junior and self-proclaimed emo/hipster Andy Flint was perched on a rock in the lakefill last Saturday afternoon playing “Dust In the Wind” on his guitar to commemorate the 2-month anniversary of Café Ambrosia closing. It was certainly a sad occasion; not only because Ambrosia is already sorely missed, but also because “Dust In the Wind” is the only song Andy knows how to play on the guitar (aside from the first 3 chords of ‘Wonderwall’) since he spends most of his time practicing the much more ironic ukulele.

“Sure, there’s Unicorn Café, Argo Tea, Café Mozart, Kafein, Starbucks, Kim’s Kitchen, and Peet’s Coffee & Tea, all within walking distance,” said Flint as he brushed his bangs out of his face. “But Ambrosia had mediocre coffee, Swiss Miss hot chocolate, and comfy couches; where else on Earth could you possibly get all of that?”

Literally any person’s apartment perhaps? Maybe? No?

Flint, however, isn’t the only Northwestern student feeling nostalgic. NU sophomore and Interdisciplinary Studies major Colin Ryans complains that he now has no where to publicly brag about the “awesome” faded 1976 Chicago Marathon t-shirt he bought for $1.25 at a thrift store. And since Ambrosia’s closing, he has given up on both the screenplay and musical he was once working on.

“I really don’t see the point in writing a screenplay unless you’re in a crowded café talking to strangers about your screenplay,” says Ryans. “Where do you suggest I write now? My apartment? Cause I go to the bathroom in my apartment, and I refuse to shit where I write.”

NU senior and Sit & Spin stand-up comedian Greg Mullen also feels bitterly lost. “Ambrosia really was the perfect venue,” Mullen says. “I really don’t know if I’m going to find another basement to perform stand-up in. And I’m not going back to my parent’s basement. I refuse to go back there! It’s stuffy and my Uncle Bernie heckles me!”

Mullen also adds that none of the other coffee shops have the “homey” feeling that Ambrosia had.

“Kafein tries to be homey by putting old-school Trivial Pursuit cards on every table,” says Mullen, “but I get absolutely no joy out of playing a 1920s edition Trivial Pursuit. I get that their vintage, but how the hell am I supposed to answer pop culture questions from the 1920s? It’s not fun when you can’t answer a single fucking question…it’s just not.”

– The Shmaily, C.J. Pumpernickel

In a startling turn of events Saturday, the Northwestern Game Room, located in the Underground of Norris, mysteriously vanished through a rip in time and space. No one on campus has of yet noticed its absence, but the Shmaily sent its top investigative journalists to venture to the Norris Underground and bring you the story. Instead they got distracted by $1.99 dessert crepes at the ground floor food court, and proceeded to watch back to back episodes of “Who Wants to be a Millionaire” for the next hour. They then made up what quotes they needed to fit the headline their editor gave them.

Initial student reaction has been vehemently nonexistent. From the Bowels of Tech to the Peaks of Kresge, Northwestern students everywhere are passionately unaware of this mysterious disappearance. The Party Animals of Bobb and the Wannabe Party Animals of Allison are uniting in their ignorance of the vanished Game Room.

One Senior who we interviewed at Norbucks was astounded by the Gameroom’s departure once we told him of its existence. “You mean the ‘U’ in the elevators goes somewhere? I just assumed it was maintenance or something.”

Janice Webber, a sophomore attendant at Norris Outdoors, saw the whole thing go down. “It was a particularly busy day here; I literally had my hands full. I was trying to eat a buffalo chicken salad and watch America’s Next Top Model online simultaneously. Plus, the link I normally use wasn’t working, so things were pretty hectic.”

Lisa Green, a junior, was working in Artica when the event took place. “I was busy rearranging my desk at the time; you see someone keeps switching my stapler and my scotch tape. I really like the stapler on the left, but I guess one of the other attendants likes it on the right! Anyway, there was a big flash of light and a thunder noise, and the Game Room was just gone!”

If you were to visit the Game Room now, which you wouldn’t, you’d find nothing but an empty black void. We were unable to find a quantum physicist for comment, because where do you even find a quantum physicist, but we did speak to Northwestern student Jake Calvin, an avid Lost viewer.

“Oh yeah, I see stuff like this all the time. I mean, the Fringe season finale was this exact situation! There’s probably just an alternate dimension, and something in the Game Room caused a portal to open up. If I had to guess, it was probably the 8 Xbox’s, 2 Wii’s, and 6 Pool Tables, all for the amazing price of only $1 for up to 3 hours for students that did it.” A fantastic deal indeed, and a great place to hang out and shoot some pool with friends on a boring night or lazy afternoon. “My instincts tell me it’s a Doctor Who scenario, where the Game Room is trapped in a whirlwind ride through time and space. I expect it’ll turn up in about 100 years, good as new.”

Apparently the Game Room attendant on duty at the time, senior Brent Burton, can still be heard screaming for help from beyond the portal. Unfortunately, his pleas fall on deaf ears, since his voice doesn’t carry up the stairwell to the populated ground floor. Attendants at Norris Outdoors and Artica considered venturing after him and/or telling authorities, but decided it was better to ignore the screaming.

“I have my earbuds in all shift anyway,” said Webber, “so the screams don’t bother me. I’m far too swamped with constantly refreshing Facebook to handle this on my shift anyway. I assume that sooner or later someone will notice, and then they can deal with it.”

– The Shmaily, Mr. L.F. Ant

Northwestern is known for a lot of things: its women’s lacrosse team, its sandy beaches that students are technically only allowed to use during the last 2 weeks of school because Northwestern is too cheap to hire lifeguards before Memorial Day, its socially awkward student body, and its “Ivy League of the Midwest” mentality. Yet amidst all of this, Northwestern’s absolutely incredible dining hall food has long been overlooked…that is, until today. It was just announced that Allison Dining Hall’s ‘Chicken a la King’ has won “America’s Best College Meal of the Year” award, beating out Scottsdale Community College’s famous ‘Spinach and Artichoke Dip,’ which was embarrassingly disqualified in the final round after being determined that it was in fact an appetizer, not a meal.

The chefs over at Allison Dining Hall were able to take Chicken a la King, a dish once thought of as Chicken Pot Pie’s disgustingly repulsive stepsister, and turn it into a delectable culinary masterpiece…one could even say, a meal fit for a king. That one person would be shot though, because that is an incredibly corny thing to say.

“I certainly didn’t get into the dining hall profession for the glamour or the awards,” says Allison Dining Hall’s head chef Jeff Pelter. “I mean, sure, I always knew I had a special talent when it came to cafeteria-style cooking. But for me, it’s always been about the kids. Seeing the smiles on their faces when they bite into reheated mass-produced chicken…well, it really doesn’t get any better than that.”

Not that Pelter takes all the credit. He does admit that he bought his now nationally-recognized Chicken a la King dish in the frozen food aisle of Sam’s Club, but he insists that there is a certain science to reheating that no one else can emulate.

“Sure, anyone can go pick up a Swanson Frozen Dinner, but it takes a connoisseur to know the exact moment when it’s ready to be taken out of the oven. And those puff pastries that it comes in, yeah, I added those.”

The bottom line is, it is easy to take dining hall food for granted. But when you think about it, if Northwestern was to shut down its dining halls and eradicate its meal plans, Northwestern students would most likely all die…or just go into Evanston where they could probably get better food for cheaper prices. But I believe it was former U.S. President William Taft who once said, “Great minds need great food.” Well, Northwestern students now have that great food, and its name is Chicken a la King.

– The Shmaily, C.J. Pumpernickel