After finally getting tired of the strenuous walks to Tech, the long lines at the Einstein Bagels in Pancoe, and the “we are going to have the façade of being fratty tools but really we were awkward losers in high school like everyone else” vibes of North Campus, members of South Campus have banded together and officially seceded from Northwestern University earlier this morning.
An eclectic mix of Medilldos, theater geeks, Indie-hipsters, and wanna-be partiers met at the ATM outside of Allison Hall to draft South Campus’ letter of secession late last night. The meeting was then quickly relocated to the Allison Hall lounge after the key drafters of the letter realized how impractical it was to hold a letter-drafting meeting outdoors on a windy night.
“Our first priority in declaring independence was to divide campus along the Foster-Walker Line (located just north of Foster Ave.),” says newly appointed president and army general of South Campus, Robbie Emanuel Levy. “According to this line, the Kellogg Building will be cut down the middle and Norris will be up for grabs, but let’s be honest, who the fuck is gonna want Norris?”
As for his next major priorities as South Campus’ figurehead, Levy was a bit more vague.
“I never really thought past the letter-drafting process,” Levy says. “To be honest, I was only voted in as president because my name happens to be Robert E. Levy. In all actuality, I’m wildly unqualified for the position.”
Strong words from a rather feeble looking Jewish man.
Yet while their plan for action remains largely ambiguous, members of South Campus have already begun to cut off the North’s food supply. All South Campus dining halls and Evanston eateries have now been restricted to South Campus residents, leaving Northerners with unsatisfying Sargent meals and mediocre French baguette sandwiches from Lisa’s Café; a paltry diet that is sure to leave hundreds facing extreme malnourishment and/or starvation.
The North, however, hasn’t taken these matters of secession lying down. Comprised of athletes, frat guys, socially inept engineers, and guys who wear too much cologne to The Keg, the North is prepared to retaliate in order to preserve the unity of Northwestern’s campus. And with both Patten and SPAC in their borders, military experts believe North Campus has an advantage when it comes to equipment and strength.
“The South may have Evanston in their back pocket, but we have the resources and power to keep this great university together and preserve its prestigious place as a perennial back-up plan for our country’s prospective ivy-leaguers,” says Abe Lincolnstein, newly-appointed president of North Campus and yet another Jew with a coincidental first and last name. “In fact, we [the North] have already begun conducting military training on the basketball courts of SPAC…at least until 4 p.m. when the aerobics class takes over the gym.”
The South, meanwhile, has put together their own independent army, consisting mostly of sorority girls who have trained exclusively on elliptical machines; a skill set that has allowed them to move very quickly without ever lifting their feet off the ground. The jury is still out as to just how inefficient this training method is, but only time will tell.
While no actual fighting has occurred, the schisms on campus continue to grow. “All I know is that a campus divided against itself cannot stand,” says Lincolnstein. “If we do not eradicate these schisms soon, everyone suffers…except for people who love using the word ‘schism’.”
As tensions escalate, we’ll continue to provide you exclusive coverage on this impending civil war.
The Shmaily, C.J. Pumpernickel
Willie the Wildcat, Northwestern’s beloved mascot, lived like he had eight lives to spare this past weekend. In full-out celebratory mode, Willie spent the weekend shedding his squeaky clean, family-friendly image as he partook in a number of scandalous activities that will leave many NU officials hanging their heads in embarrassment. Willie was seen getting a lap dance from a stripper in his dorm room on Friday night, and was then photographed smoking out of a bong at an off-campus house party Saturday night; activities that may be acceptable for an Olympic gold medalist, but not for a Big Ten mascot.
ct the he has spent years battling clinical depression and acute anxiety. Those close to him say that he was very self-loathing, and at times struggled to find his identity among the millions of other generic wildcat mascots. His NC-17 weekend out could also be attributed to his hectic work schedule, which leaves very little time for catnaps. Either way, Willie has effectively tarnished his reputation as a cherished symbol of Northwestern. Willie has yet to comment.
